When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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