Can Purell be used as lube?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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