The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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