So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
