I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
