He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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