why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
