if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
