Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
