I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Randomize
