They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
How does one acquire holy water?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
