a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
