You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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