I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
