Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
