i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
