He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
