Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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