true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
