shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
