I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
