im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
