I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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