the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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