i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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