Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
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