someone get that fucking seahorse.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
