If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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