I have demons in me.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
pray to the hookup gods
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
