he shaved USA in his pubs
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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