Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
