Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
