Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
