he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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