shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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