Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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