Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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