The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
whose ass print is on the piano?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Randomize
