Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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