The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Four minutes until I can fart!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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