I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
