I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
