i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
