Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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