Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
