I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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