so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
