I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
