I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I have so many feelings about this burrito
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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