A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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